So I realized there's a lot of negative energy in my life right now and I'm trying to figure out a good way to remove it. Part of me just wants to withdraw from the things I've been doing altogether but the idea of just quitting is kind of scaring. Cause then I have to figure out something else to do. School is really overwhelming. Its making me question if I want to teach. My school turns education into an enormous social justice practice which I appreciate because I really believe in the philosophy behind it but it's intimidating. It makes me feel inadequate like I won't be able to live up to it in practice. I know that's ridiculous and no good reason to stop. I'm letting perfectionism trigger anxiety but I'm not sure how to combat these feelings. I think in the long run I want to keep trying but my anxiety is making school and teaching intensely unenjoyable.
I'm having a hard time socially as well. I'm withdrawing from people. Which is probably a funny thing to say because I've spent my whole life passing from one social circle to the next so this is probably just one more regression. But I don't like that I keep doing this. I'm left with this sense that I don't really belong anywhere. I'm really glad for the friends I have in Toronto who have stuck with me all this time. Even with my own intermittent contact I feel like I can always turn to you guys or just head up there to have some fun once in a while and it's always easy to just hop right in. Toronto is definitely a safe place for me and I appreciate it and I'm always thinking of you guys even if I'm not the best at reaching out. I'm actually overdue for a visit. I thought about visiting for American Thanksgiving (Happy Belated Canadian Thanksgiving btw haha) but I was thinking Halloween might work out better if anything is going on. I'll figure it out. It's still early.
I've been trying to find a job too. Money's not an enormous issue so I may end up looking into volunteering instead. I've got a huge choice to make about whether or not I want to work in education. On one hand I'm already getting plenty from school and maybe a break would be good? On the other I deal with a lot of theory in class and maybe it would be could to just start doing practical things again. Since I loved subbing and tutoring when I did it. I kind of wonder if this school just isn't a good fit... but it's a great school and will be a huge asset if I can get through it. I have so many decisions to make.
I'm answering this because it should be obvious XD but on the other hand that's probably a good reason not to answer. Any excuse is a good excuse to go to Egypt which is pretty much what I'm doing when I get home from Peru. For two weeks. Except it's not all expenses paid but w/e it'll be worth it. And I'd go with jackpire if I could ;; and if she wanted otherwise I'll just meet her in Spain in crappy Catalan speaking Barcelona
I've been meaning to compile this for a while. For my own reference and anyone who might be interested. WIP for now; eventually I hope to have small reviews of everything I own in case you wandered here for suggestions.
I am probably going to come off as super depressed and down on myself which I really hate but I'm extremely frustrated with a lot of things going on in my life right now. So in a nutshell.
No matter what I do flights to Peru are $2,000. I'm trying to come out of this whole exchange as financially in tact as possible but things like this are just making that seem less and less likely. It's also making it incredibly hard to not resent having to leave Egypt. But I think it will be better and easier once I'm there.
I'm trying to apply for fafsa and state grants and thinking about how I'm going to pay for grad school is really discouraging. Especially since the school I want to go to is over $30,000 a year and that's just the tuition. I'm gonna have to make some calls tomorrow and hopefully get everything sorted out before I leave. I'm particularly annoyed that they changed the application this year so I can't apply for the Teach grant, as far as I can tell, until I'm accepted. I can't find very much information at all.
Lastly my mom has serious concerns about the state of her job. I know she's an amazing worker and does her job perfectly but it's just office bullshit and politics and the fact that she doesn't kiss ass and it pisses me off so much. There's not much to say other than she deserves so much better because she is a saint for all she does for us and all the crap she puts up with. I'm very worried about her.
On a less negative note I got to spent this weekend with Justine and it was wonderful. I think every time I get to spend with her just gets better and better and I think I really needed it this time. I'm so grateful to have someone like her there for me and I'm only sorry that I give her a reason to worry when I'm having trouble like this because I know she's going through her own troubles too. But we're there for each other and after six months I don't see that changing any time soon. I really love her.
So I finally heard back about dates and I'd actually get back from Peru sooner than Egypt. For some reason that clears up some of my reserves. A few months isn't that bad and although Egypt was cheaper to live in I won't DO as much in Peru in terms of traveling and spending ridiculous amount of money on excursions to random places. Another plus is the opportunity to volunteer. Not that Egypt didn't have this but I feel like in Peru it'll be something to keep me busy where as in Egypt that was never a concern.
Three months is probably just the right amount of commitment. And now for whatever reason this is my bed time and I need sleep which actually works out really well for getting up for show I imagine. Since I have no idea what the state of the internet will be like, I'm gonna get as much 5d's in as I can :| I mean I know I'll have it at the school but I have no idea about the host family so yeaaah. This may be the last ep I see omg ;;
I was writing a blog as part of the agreement for one of my scholarships. I finally updated it with everything I had written while our internet was down in Egypt. I haven't added pictures yet but I will get around to it in due time ♥
Being home is so enormously depressing and I just don't know what to do with myself. School in Egypt is going to start this Sunday and it feels so horrible that I can't be there. It doesn't make it any easier that the house I live in is a wreck with my brother raging around like a tyrant and abusing everyone in his path. Being home just makes it worse. I was supposed to be free from this for a semester. I was supposed to be having the best time of my life doing something that really mattered to me. I keep saying I'll go back but I know the timing won't ever be right and I'll be causing problems for a lot of people and I don't want that.
Furthermore I don't know what to do with myself now. I'm supposed to be finishing my applications but I have no motivation to do that. I have no motivation to just sit around here and waste my life for half a year even though I know I probably need it before I start grad school because I'm going to be busy and maybe I should use this time and spend it with the people that are important to me before my education swallows up my life. But that's really depressing.
I've been looking into other places I could study as I've already said. Focusing on Peru right now. I've basically already been accepted once I fill out the paperwork. I have almost $10k in grants and scholarships that I will just have to forfeit if I don't use it before I graduate so it seemed like an option I had to at least consider. There's so much I had wanted to do in Peru for a long time. Nazca, Coricancha, Machu Pichu and the sacred valley. But it seems all wrong now. I'm not excited anymore, just worried and sick of it. I'm the opposite of homesick. I'm sick for Egypt and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what's the right choice but I have to make one and I don't have very much time to do it.
I can't choose between staying home and spending time with friends and family or picking myself up and going on another adventure. I want to do whatever helps this miserable feeling go away.
As of 8:30 last night I am home in Rochester. Istanbul was lovely and I have lots of pictures and spent a lot of money probably to make up for not being able to do much in Egypt. I'll be posting pictures on facebook and updating my travel blog at some point this weekend. I don't know if I'll cross post much but once I'm done I'll post a link here since it's mostly me being depressed about leaving.
I'm having a hard time keeping myself motivated and while it would be nice to just do nothing for a semester I think I should definitely not stop moving. I'm looking into programs in both Peru and Chile, the former being my first choice and yes I will totally go see Nazca if I am there. Bonus good news is airfare isn't totally ridiculous on such short notice however money is going to be interesting. I should get a lot of it back but I have to file at least 10 different claims to get it. But I have scholarship money and federal aide and hopefully that won't go terribly awry. No one has said anything yet but I'm not getting my hopes up anymore.
Anyway I'm gonna go... do something. I don't even know what anymore.